just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
50% drunk capacity currently
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
