She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
