I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
