I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
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I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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