I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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