Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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