so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
