You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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