You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
