Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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