I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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