So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
