it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
