He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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