Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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