I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
