Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
