She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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