meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who died my cat blue again?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
