is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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