Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
