maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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