Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
