There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
