My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sext me about skeletons
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
