My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
me + whiskey = a bad person
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
