I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
