she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
