He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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