Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
