all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
