Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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