so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
