please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
