hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
