I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
