strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
