FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
not ubering you a puppy
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
