he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
