I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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