apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
