mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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