the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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