Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
