I accidentally burped into my bong.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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