What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
