i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
