I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
