She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
