The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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