she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
