I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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