Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
