to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
