Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
