He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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