Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i love accidental penises.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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