Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize