god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
