You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
